ephori's Profile

This might seem a little unusual, but I have -- on occasion -- used the bathtub and the shower nozzle to clean up after particularly big parties. It's so much easier than doing load after load in the kitchen sink.

Don't judge me!

Come over here for a moment. Sit, please. Are you comfortable? Can I get you-- no? Alright, I'll start. About a year and a half ago-- actually, wait-- No, I should start at the very beginning. It began as a casual interest, a youthful fling, as so many sordid affairs do. I was young, inexperienced, a bright-eyed child with vast potential waiting to be exercised. My parents watched raptly as I held my future in my own hands, carving it, shaping it, realizing my destiny with every foot forward-- and as quickly as I began to grow and explore the world of opportunity before me, it was furiously snatched from my hands. All of my hopes and dreams evaporated, my innocence robbed...

Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!

It started small, as it always does. "I'll do my homework later." I'd tell my parents, the concern in their eyes betraying their secret fear, "I just have one more level." Before long, I was spending hours each day worshipping before the dark altar that sat, monumental, above my television, feeding cartridges in and out. I was spiralling out of control. After awhile, the Nintendo wasn't working for me anymore. It wasn't good enough, I needed more. I sold everything I had, and stepped off the deep end. The Super Nintendo. This was a pattern that would become all too familiar for me. My gaming appetite was voracious, insatiable, and I moved from one to the next like a plague of locusts tracking through the wheat fields of America's heartland, consuming mindlessly. Super Nintendo. Nintendo 64. Playstation. Playstation 2. Xbox.

I was out of control. The regular genres weren't good enough for me. First-person shooters, role-playing games, side-scrolling platformers-- pedestrian. Soon I was buying games that I'd never even play, importing ridiculous titles from Asia-- farming simulators, romance and dating adventures, karaoke challenges, even strange cult titles with creative approaches to human anatomy, whispered about in underground forums and newsgroups. I was a collector.

Then, a year and a half ago, a new relationship in my life began. With a real person. A gorgeous woman who drove into my life like a reality-show intervention, prying my hands from the controller, peeling the tinfoil from my windows, re-introducing me to basic hygiene. I turned my life around for her, and when we moved in together, the games stayed behind... while my lust for them simmered just below the surface.

Now, here we are, today. Miles and months from the man I used to be, but the same. We're renovating our new house now, my girlfriend and I. In front of the raw walls, stacked on a makeshift credenza sits a brand-new high-definition television, wasted on cable shows and rented DVDs. It begs for a higher purpose, as I do. Give me the chance to dip a tentative toe back into the gaming pool. Let me engorge myself on eye-popping 1080p visuals and booming 5.1 surround and lightning-fast online play. I can think of no better charity than giving an addict the fix of a lifetime.

Plus, you'll get a kickin' rad review out of it-- no doubts. I look forward to fooling around with some new gear on my new TV.